Self Doubt and Mental Brick Walls

Always in my life, I have doubted myself. It's why for the past 3 years, I have been learning to drive with no luck on actually getting to a test. It's why I sell myself short and have been known to settle for less than what I deserve.

Maybe it's because of all of the bullying I experienced right at the beginning of secondary school which caused relentless anxiety and panic attacks, or maybe it's because I just don't have the ability to believe in myself and never have done. Who knows. One thing I can say is that it's hard and sends me into daily brick walls and frenzies of over planning life in the fear that I'll never achieve the life I want.

Self doubt, for me, is always a personal barrier to great things. It always puts a ring fence around my biggest hopes and dreams, preventing me from achieving my true potential.

It is something that we all struggle with at points in our lives.

I also find that being doubtful of who we are and what we are capable of becoming eats into the energy that we have for other things and leaves us feeling deflated and worthless. It is a creature that sits on our shoulder and whispers to us that we are not, and never will be, good enough to reach the best version of ourselves. It throws curveballs in the form of 'what ifs ' and turns wonderful possibilities into missed opportunities.

It's not always something that we can control either. A big reason for doubting ourselves will be because of our environment and of the role models that have influenced our lives. Perhaps some of us have parents that are too critical of what we do, or friends that judge too harshly on our actions and words. Whether positively or negatively, these experiences shape our self esteem and our measure of what we're worth.

It is why kindness and the ability to occasionally cut others a little bit of slack is important, especially in a world that is often unforgiving and so poised towards perfection. We have to remember that everyone is fighting their own battles and that even those who appear to be confident in theirselves may simply be putting on a brave face in order to avoid giving into their own stream of doubts and fears. 

All The Joys In The World

Recently I've been thinking about the things that make a person happy. Is it money? Is it status? Is it the things that we own? Is it other people? When do we consider ourselves truly happy? And what constitutes a miserable and hard-up life?

All of these questions have different answers for different people. Our upbringings and therefore our outlook on the world as a result play a vital role in what we come to value and how. Many of us will most likely correlate happiness to various things at different stages of our lives depending on how lucky (or unlucky) we consider ourselves to be at that moment in time. Happiness is not always permanent, just as much as misery and sadness is not permanent either.

For me, happiness is a wide range of things and ultimately, my happiness is not always connected to an object or a person. After all, happiness can be in a small act of kindness, a satisfying sound, an idea or even a memory. There is no restriction as to what happiness looks or feels like. Really, I like the idea that happiness can mean whatever we want it to and can make us appreciate the value of life in every aspect of our day to day being.

However, I do believe that certain ideals and values can distort our view of what really matters. For example, the ideal that having the best and most expensive of things in life in order to display social status and achievement can, in my opinion, be a harmful lifestyle choice that makes us forget that there are certain things that will not always necessarily provide happiness. Even the richest of people can have everything and still be miserable compared to the poorest of people who have almost nothing but are grateful for what they do have.

I also believe, though this is almost always realised some time after, that we can also feel happiness because of times of heartbreak and hardship. Sadness and angst teach us the meaning of our emotions and cause us to reflect upon what we can do to restore balance and elation to our existence. For example, the loss of a close friend, a beloved pet, or a pivotal family member can make us realise what we valued the most and forces us to reflect on the impact that we make through our actions and words. Loss is hard, but a necessary fact of life that teaches us strength and of the things we most appreciate about the ones we love. These lessons in turn can teach us about the kind of people that society needs and values.

Ultimately, in this moment of time, I would consider myself as happy. I am not happy because of the material things that I have (though these things do provide a small portion of my happiness), I am happy because of how I choose to view the world around me and of how no matter what happens to us, there is always something that can amaze us, excite us, or even make us cry tears of joy. I am happy because of friends and family that ground me and share memories with me, I am happy because I am capable of both independence and dependence, I am happy to have free will that allows me to make choices and shape my own future.

Happiness for me is the array of emotions that I experience, the moments that last a lifetime, the ability to form meaningful relationships and best of all, the notion that the tiniest amount of happiness that I radiate can change a person's life in ways that I could neither anticipate or predict. Life is beautiful and worth living and contains so many joys that make us who we are and who we want to be.

You're Never Too Old For Soft Play (Or Anything Else!)

In a matter of days, I will be turning 20. Not only that, but I get to eat as much Colin the Caterpillar cake as humanely possible (yes, 20 year olds are still allowed to love this particular cake thank you very much) and can get away with anything because I am the birthday girl (my all time favourite excuse). It is the only day where my mum can actually get away with embarrasing me, and also the day (but not the only day) where my boyfriend makes horrible jokes about wrinkles that don't exist.

However, the upcoming celebration of my birth has also got me thinking about the role that age plays in our lives and my confusion around why we let it bother us so much.

It is very common for me to hear men and women alike talk about how they are 'too old' to do particular things. The most confusing to me are things like being 'too old' to do a particular job, to take up a particular new hobby, or just simply to do something different with their lives. In my opinion, this is never the case.

Frankly, I believe that age is just a number, to use that awfully cringey saying that some may find as a very clever response to a rejection on Tinder by someone more than 5 years older than them (sorry to disappoint, it's really not.) It's a mental conditioning by society that makes us believe that just because we have birthdays and may not be as young as we used to be, we can't do the things that we actually may enjoy or may add value to our lives. (I mean, I'm 19 years old but if you told me I was going to soft play, I would have no shame in jumping into the nearest ball pit and racing down slides in browns sacks, most likely with an even bigger grin on my face than the kids who soft play is actually aimed at.)

Age is just an excuse. Age is a hurdle that people put in front of themselves because they are afraid that society will judge them and not accept them for doing something that isn't typical of somebody who has reached a particular level of maturity. The way I see it, men and women tell themselves, and others, that they are 'too old' to do certain activites as a way of protecting their image and preventing themselves from doing something that others may not approve of or may look upon as 'not the done thing'.

My problem with that is this: it's not really up to the norms of society to tell us what we can and can't do and to influence the decisions we make. We have free will and the freedom to do what we choose, so why let what others think stand in the way of that? Why let something as irrelevant as age stop something potentially great from coming out of something 'abnormal' or unexpected?

The way I see it, and correct me if I'm wrong, we are only as old as we feel and we are only limited to that which is physically not possible (for example, me being able to do more than one press up without looking like a complete weakling). The rest is totally achievable, no matter how many wrinkles we get or how many cards we recieve with the age on it to remind us of how old we've become. (Friends, no one enjoys this! 'Happy Birthday will suffice!!') Age is most definitely just a number so please, just do what makes you happy and if it goes wrong or people don't like it, at least you're being true to yourself. Life is too sodding short.

Life, And Knowing What To Do With It

Hello!

Recently I've realised that I've reached a sticky point in my life: knowing what I want to do with it.

Since a very young age, I've always come up with very serious ideas of what I wanted to do. At 7, it was a children's novelist, at 12, it was a journalist, and at 17, it was a translator. At 18, I finished A levels and all of a sudden I had no idea. Knowing that I didn't want to go to university from the beginning of AS, the only option was to find an apprenticeship. But what in? This, I had no clue either. I went to job fairs, I trawled through vacancies on the internet, I applied for highly competitive apprenticeship programmes and was unsuccessful. What was there left to do? Terrified that I would be leaving college imminently with nothing yet secured, I got a job as an apprentice business administrator.

Now, for my first experience of the 'world of work', this was a good step. I earn a good wage and I've learnt so many things and picked up experience that I never imagined I would. I'm lucky to have fallen into a job with a company that values me as a person and gives me some autonomy over how I go about my work. But is it what I want to do forever? Definitely not. Then again, what do I want to do? I realise that I am only 19 and have a lifetime of choices to make concerning my career, but I'm scared. I've always been very passionate about having goals and working towards them, so the idea that I now don't know what these goals are is jarring.

Adults who have already established themselves in the working world make it look so easy. I see working professionals walking around London in their smart suits, tapping away with purpose on their company laptops and I find it hard to imagine myself in the same position. I wonder if that will ever be me, and most importantly, how the hell do I get there? How do adults do it? I'd pay anyone good money to tell me that secret. I applaud those who have it figured out and have found a career path they love.

I suppose what I'm really yearning for is to feel fulfilled. I'm happy with my life and all of the things I've achieved so far, but I want that moment where somebody asks me what I do for a living and my face lights up and I reply, 'I work as (whatever future me works as when this question is next asked) and I love my job!'. Isn't that what everybody wants? It's a craving that I'm going to make my goal until I finally make it a reality.

I'm learning that the best things in life are the things you enjoy the most and are the things that give you a sense of place and joy in a world that can be dull and daunting. I'm aware that we can't always love everything we do and work won't always be fun, sunshine and rainbows, but that's not what I'm after. I'm after success and passion for I do, whatever that may be. We all have completely different definitions of what success and happiness look like and I'm telling you now - that is okay. We are allowed to be different (how boring would it be if we were all the same??). It doesn't matter if you take a different route to achieve your career, take a few tumbles along the way, at some point have no idea what you're to do with your life, have a breakdown and change the path. It does not mean that you're doing it wrong. You're doing you. You're allowed to make mistakes and you are allowed to not know where the next road will take you.

So, I may not know where I'll be in 5 years time, but I do know that I am going to do whatever it takes to find my definition of career happiness and success, my way.

Have a great weekend,

Stacey x

Here's To The Start

Hello, Stacey here!

I'm very aware that currently I am writing to an audience that does not yet exist, but welcome!

This is not my first blog. I, infact, have had several but just have not been dedicated enough to keep one going indefinetely. I felt like, now being an older (and hopefully less nieve self), I needed a fresh new blog where I could rebrand how I write and how my thoughts are communicated to the wider world. I want this blog to be different and I want it to be something that sees me through the more adult part of my life.

So here I am. Ready to blog once more with new goals, different priorities and a new outlook on life than to my previous self.

For those of you who would like a little bit about me, I will add an 'about' page where you can find out all of what makes me, me.

Here will be a space where I will share stories, memories, and just anything that pops into my head. My writing style and the topics I choose to feature on this blog will not be for everyone but they will be for someone and I hope that there are people out there that want to share these things that I write with me.

I love writing. I always have. Blogging keeps that alive, and I hope that this blog does just that. This year I need to do more for myself and I need to find the things that fill me with joy and comfort - something that writing and sharing that writing is bound to do.

I don't currently have many ideas of how I'll go about this blogging business here, but I hope that for anyone who is reading, you'll stick with me and patiently wait until I do.

I'll be posting more soon, but for now -

Au revoir et bon nois!